Fear

Last year, I met someone during the last half of my final semester at college. Our first date was exactly a month before I graduated.

I wanted to spend a lot of time with this guy before I had to move back home. But he would only see me once a week. I’d ask him to spend more time with me but he’d always tell me no. One day he told me, “You’re going out with your friends, and I’m going out with mine. I saw you yesterday,” Later, he admitted he didn’t want to get attached to someone who’s moving away.  I know he was talking to other girls besides me. I realize I expected too much from someone who was never technically my boyfriend, and whom I only knew for a few short weeks.

Two months ago, (two weeks after getting out of a short-lived, turbulent, emotionally draining relationship with yet another wrong guy), I met the one I’ve always been hoping to find. Sometimes, everything is so perfect that it must seem sickening to other people. He understands me, cares for me, and supports me when I need him to. We always have fun when we’re together. We mesh. But I see patterns I had in other relationships, repeating in this one.

Relationships are difficult. They take work. When something bothers someone, you stop doing/saying those things that hurt your partner because you care, and because you want to make them happy. It becomes difficult when you make sacrifices and you stand by someone through their tough times, but when you feel a certain way it’s hard for them to understand.

It all comes down to being afraid. I have this fear that no matter who I’m with, no one wants to be invested in me. I can be intense, sensitive, and emotional. When I’m upset about something, it usually tends to be more than skin deep.  I’m more than just one level, i’m intricate, and complicated, like most people are of course. If he’s unable to deal with who I am,  I may be the one who winds up heart broken in the end. And that scares me more than anything.

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