I sometimes find myself saying things like “I just want to be a housewife with four kids,” or “I can’t wait until I’m 65, married and retired.” The adventures that happen when you’re in your 20’s feel too much to handle sometimes. My attention span can only focus on one thing at a time. It’s either me being completely distracted by boys (I love boys) or stuck in my negative thinking about my career (I’ll never get there) or me planning trips to Thailand and Europe that I know will never happen.
I dream a bigger life for myself than the boring one I’m living now, but I always have some excuse to hold me back exactly where I am. I like my life. I’m comfortable in it, yet I crave so much more than what I settle for now. I’m constantly trying to figure out why exactly that thing I crave most is. I lost 50 pounds! I went from a 2.2 GPA in college to a 3.0 in just one semester! I was in therapy for 2.5 years and recently felt empowered enough to walk away. I am mentally strong, resilient and hard-working. I feel like I’ve lost myself in the shuffle of life. Sometimes I wonder to myself where did that strong, ambitious girl go? Have a few little bumps in the road really gotten me down so badly that I have just stopped trying?
Take my job for example. It’s in the field I studied at school but it’s a chapter that’s ready to be closed. Sure, it’s given me two years of experience but there is nothing more to learn. The best thing for me and my career is to go into Manhattan and follow that passion. Write more. Meet more people. Take photos. Travel. It seems so easy and so within reach yet so hard at the same time. I only see myself through my own eyes and I am super hard on myself.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the three years I’ve been home from college its life is all about your perception. There is no truth, there is only your version of it. When I’m in a good head space I believe in myself 100 percent. I tell myself all of the positive things I’ve accomplished so far career wise and tell myself the best thing I could ever do is thank my employer for all they have helped me learn and move on. Have an adventure, make more money. It’s much less complicated than I make it out to be.
Once I have that idea in my head that I’m going to do it I start hearing all of these things from people like “Manhattan is so expensive” and “It’s so hard to get a job in the city. You’re going to have to search day and night for a job.”
I went for an interview back in the summer and the Hiring Manager said to me, “You’re from Long Island, I’m afraid the commute will be a problem. The last girl quit because it was too much for her.” I told her I have an aunt in the Village to which she replied “But you won’t be living there will you?” I’m happy that one didn’t work out …
People commute from Long Island every single day! Thousands of people. My own father included. Yes, it’s a lot of time and money. But so what?! When you want something bad enough you’ll do it.
Then sometimes I think about the time I went to New York Public Library and spoke with a career coach. I left that office feeling like total crap. He told me my portfolio wasn’t all that impressive and asked me what my brand is, what I want to do for my career, he said my resume seems like I do anything and that I need to make it specific to one thing. He told me I have a lot of work to do and when the appointment was over he tossed me out and said good luck!
I’d like to find a mentor I can go to who will steer me in the right direction instead of going at this job search stuff completely blind. It’s so scary! But at the end of the day I need to remember, this is my life. No one else is going to live my life for me. How happy would I be really if I fast forwarded by entire life to the moment I give birth to my first child and became a mother? If I skipped past all this finding yourself, falling in love, getting my heart-broken, being afraid, getting through challenges, achieving my goals, what kind of wife and mother would I be? What kind of retired 65-year-old would I be??? Crummy!! It would be so boring. I wouldn’t shape myself into who I want to become. I would just be, and that’s no fun at all.