Can a Woman Love a Man and Love Herself at the Same Time?


On my third date with Coffee Meets Bagel guy we took an icy walk through snowy slush down to a gorgeous view of the bay. He’d hold me up and make sure I didn’t slip on the ice. He’d compliment and tease me. When we got down to the beach we stood facing each other. I couldn’t look him in the eye. As the wind whipped through my hair, he took my face in his hands and brushed his thumb along my cheek.

He moved the hair out of my vision and went in for a slow, sweet kiss. While I felt no instant, crazy, chemical connection, I definitely enjoyed it. Afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wanted more and I felt connected to him for the first time. By the end of our date we were kissing in his car and he was on top of me (eye roll) but I let it go no further than kissing.

He told me he wants a relationship. He sends me texts like “I miss your face” and “I can’t wait to see you,” but I’ve been getting all sorts of anxiety and discomfort lately. As of right now my anxiety levels are soaring because I’ve hardly heard from him at all. I could be reading too much into it but my gut tells me I’ll never see him again.

A snowstorm prevented us from seeing one another for a few days. Thursday night we made a plan but he didn’t get out of work until late. On Friday I was busy. Saturday he was set to work all day. I asked him what he was doing Saturday evening and he said he had a “family party.” It was at that moment I felt like I was being lied to. I’m pretty smart. I’ll figure it out if you lie to me. Nevertheless, I agreed to meet with him at 9 a.m. Saturday morning for an hour before he had to go to work. I thought he was excited to see me and that’s why we had to do the morning deal but I am still so confused about it.

He was on top of me, we were kissing. I was staring out the window looking at the trees. Totally vacant. I’m not over my last relationship at all. I kissed my ex on our first date and my head spun around in circles. He was tall and so good looking. I was so crazy about him at first but a couple of months later I realized how different we were and how much we just didn’t mesh. I hate being vulnerable. Patti Stanger taught me the 90 day rule. Last time I didn’t abide by that and I got attached to my ex before I knew anything about him. It was just so complicated. I know you can’t control heart break but I’d like to be smarter about it.

When I told Bagel Boy that he’d have to wait 90 days and he was like, “Whaaat? That’s crazy. I’m not waiting 90 days.” I was like, “We’re practically strangers!!! We hardly know each other.” He said, “Imagine how well we’ll know each other after we have sex. Intimacy is a big part of a relationship.” After that whole thing he didn’t say much. I’ve noticed it’s always me talking my head off. He doesn’t say much of anything. It makes crazy thoughts race through my mind.

The other part is that I don’t want a relationship right now because when I’m in a relationship I’m so invested in it. I sacrifice things for my man. I don’t meet my own needs so I can attend to my relationship. I don’t want to be held back. But I want love too!!! I want to open myself up to a man and have a loving, intimate relationship. With this one I’m already thinking way too much. He hasn’t even asked to see me again, hardly texts me anymore and seems like a completely different dude once I revealed he isn’t getting any anytime soon.

My love bucket has improved my love life but while my last date was a vast improvement from the ones before, it is still going to take a while before I find a strong, intelligent, charming, romantic, considerate man who I can call my best friend, and I am totally okay with that.

Deep down I know the answer to this may be to move on and continue to follow my career path. Focus on that job and that Brooklyn apartment and a fresh start for myself. Writing my next chapter. Can women love themselves and their man when they’re in relationships? When it’s right I believe so.

Can a woman love herself enough to walk away when the guy isn’t right? I think she can. I’m living proof.


8 thoughts on “Can a Woman Love a Man and Love Herself at the Same Time?

  1. Sounds like your track is the right one. My personal opinion is that he’s married. He likes the chase, so don’t expect him to commit. He told you he did not want to wait 90 days, so take him at his word. He disrespects your opinions and beliefs. You’re better than that! Great Post!

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