The sun is in the midst of sleep; slowly making its way down the skyline; disappearing until the morning light. Racing down the mountain with the wind blowing through my hair. It seems like an eternity before I reach the bottom. Everything green and lush surrounds me. I kick off my shoes and stand at the riverside. The water is clear and cool. I can see fish swimming over my toes. The sun is slowly setting. The day has come to an end but there’s still hope for tomorrow when I can race down the mountain, let the wind blow through my hair, and feel the earth beneath my feet again.
If you haven’t read this book by Eve Ensler, you should. Especially if you’re a woman. She gives me inspiration when I need it most.
I am an emotional creature. I have complicated, layered, massive feelings.
I can have intense reactions. I am dramatic, irrational, frustrating, yet deep.
I can get sad for no reason. Feeling alone, rejected, I weep.
I can let words hurt, the sting lasts for days.
I can stop feeling, stare endlessly into space.
I can overlook all of the good, focus on bad, sometimes I believe I only deserve to be sad.
I can make mountains out of molehills, I can blame others and not myself, I can be rude and spiteful and deny kindness or help.
Although I can feel an abundance of ways, it’s not how I like to spend most of my days.
So I begin to tell myself I am loving, and kind. I am beautiful, healthy, this life is all mine.
I can choose to spend it whining, hopeless, seeking repentance.
Or I can begin on a road to self-discovery and acceptance.
And if no one can deal, I don’t need anyone else.
All that I need is to be true to myself.
Blogging is seductive.
People throw words onto a screen and publish it to the Internet for all to see. No one knows if people will actually read what they post or even get past the first sentence.
You can tell when a blog is contrived. You can see when people are trying to appease the public by inserting lots of pretty pictures, or making their entries short, neat and to the point. It’s narcissistic to believe that people are actually interested in things that we have to say, so why should we limit ourselves based on what we think the public will be interested in?
We work, we write, perfect, and spend time. People who dedicate themselves to blogs are passionate about writing and telling their stories, thoughts, and opinions. It doesn’t matter if people are entertained by it or not. Our blogs are our way of representing ourselves to ourselves. We can mold and shape and try to project a certain image. We want to be able to go back over what we write and say, Yes! That’s exactly right. That’s me. This is the person who I am. This is my creation. To others we can appear messy, whiny, disorganized, uninteresting, or boring depending on what we decide to put out there. But only we know the true message we are trying to parlay. It is to our own selves that we must appease so that we can become better writers.
Failure. Future. Struggle. Perfection. Body Image. Sex. Pressure. Depression. Family. Health. Appearance. Money. Status. Illness. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Friends. Success. Work. School. Drama. Happiness. We worry. About Anything. About Everything.
The beauty of human nature is the reoccurring lack of perfection. You never know how much your choices of today will impact your life tomorrow, or if it will ever make any difference at all. We want to be in control of everything that happens to us. We want to know how things are going to end, and what our future will look like. But there is no way we can ever know.
Life is about our story, we work on writing it from the moment we are born until the moment we die. It doesn’t end when one chapter is finished, we just open up to a new page and keep going. I like to believe that things happen to us for a reason, and that reason will shape and mold who we become. Through these lessons, we can go anywhere in life that we want to go. It all depends on how far you are willing to go to get there.
You can’t change some of things that life throws at you, but you can always change the way you look at something. If you’re unhappy, it’s up to you, and only you, to change it.
What happens when you think you’ve found the one, but circumstances keep you from ever being together? Was that person really the only person out there who is meant for you?
One would think that the universe wouldn’t be so cruel as to lure two people together and then rip them apart before they were even given a chance to evolve as one. Maybe things do happen for a reason and the beauty that these two people found together could never have lasted past that short amount of time they were allotted with one another.
Being a person who was always independent and self-sufficient, someone who has been hurt so much from the opposite sex, I never believed I’d meet anyone who could turn my world upside down. But I did. And my entire life changed in an instant. We had this unstoppable chemical reaction. When we kissed my head would spin so fast I felt like I was flying. I couldn’t think straight when we were together and I know he couldn’t resist me either. He made me feel like I was the total package-sexy, smart, beautiful, honest, kind, desirable, perfect even. He adored me as much as I adored him. But it wasn’t anything I’d ever thought it would be. It left me with more pain than happiness.
The timing couldn’t have been any worse, with me graduating college and moving back home, a brutal 400 miles away, there was little hope for a lasting relationship. I would have swam across the Everglades if it meant I could be with him, but I knew in my heart he didn’t feel the same. Or he did feel the same, but he just didn’t feel like trying.
I don’t know what to make of my experience. It feels so cruel that a greater force would draw two people who had such a passion for one another together and then tear them apart with no future in sight. I like to believe that there is more than just one person for everyone. At least that way, I can find what I had for four weeks again with somebody else.
In order to figure out the direction our lives are going an old friend and I decided to go see a psychic. First we saw a man who my friend knew through some references. He read my palm and told me my love and family lines were very deep and I base my life on the importance of these two aspects. True. He could tell that I had undergone much trauma this year due to my love life and it has left me emotionally drained…also true. Here is where it gets creepy. He knew about this man I was seeing back at school. He knew exactly what he looked like. He told me this man and I had a deep connection and that he needs to put more time and energy into us and that I should not give up on him. For some reason this psychic believes we will last for 3-4 years. How? We’re 500 miles away. He told me we have different mindsets about our “relationship.” Do I believe what I know or do I believe this psychic? Part of me thought me and this guy would end up together, someway, somehow. I just have this gut feeling that he’s going to wake up one day and realize how right we are for one another. But you can’t force a man to be with you and you shouldn’t give him your everything when he only tempts you with bits and pieces of his heart. The second psychic told me that I have a man who will love me from afar but he’s putting me on the back burner. She said I want to intertwine my life with someone but this man won’t give me what I want. She told me not to wait for him. Maybe the first psychic just saw what I wanted him to see. I guess I’ll never really know the truth until time catches up with me.
This time a year ago I was 46 pounds heavier. I was angry, I was depressed, I was downright miserable. I didn’t feel like myself. What am I talking about…I didn’t even know who I was. I was 20 years old, nearly a month away from my 21st birthday and I felt that I had accomplished nothing. I started off at a community college, I graduated and continued with my education at a four-year university. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I did not know how to write, I could barely articulate my own thoughts. I was angry at the world and I hated everyone I encountered. I felt unintelligent, unattractive, clueless, desperate, hopeless. My first year of “real” college was not an easy one. I struggled. I struggled A LOT. My GPA was the lowest it has ever been in my life, my weight was the highest it’s ever been. I was trying to discover my purpose in life. Trying to dig for some ounce of hope or happiness but it took a long time for it to come. After a difficult first semester I decided to take control. I worked my behind off Spring semester and earned a 3.02. I went from a 2.2 to a 3.02. I was thrilled! I still wished for higher but I had done it, I conquered my four-year university. When I returned home for summer vacation I decided to take control of my weight as well. By August I had dropped about 25 pounds and as my senior year of college went on, I continued to lose the rest of the weight. I could barely recognize myself. I shed the layer that was holding me back from getting the most out of my life. Since my weight loss I have become a different woman. I dress well, I can articulate my thoughts, I have many wonderful friends, I am confident, I am a good person. I see my self-worth. Finally. I don’t even know who that girl who hated everything was anymore. Education gave me something that I ordinarily could not possess had I not chosen to leave home and experience a different piece of life. I needed the “college experience” to morph me into the person I always knew I could be.