I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to wrap something around my own neck. To feel pain around my throat; to feel my air supply slowly being cut off. Feeling pain is all I crave right now and I can’t explain why. I want the pain to be so unbearable that it forces hot tears out of my eyes, I want to feel them as they run down my cheeks, smearing my mascara. My nose runs. I’m sniveling all over myself. I’m panicked. I’m alone.
I don’t really want to die but that cord hanging from the ceiling was taunting me. So many bodies. So many people are crowded around me I just want to push them all out of my way. A man walks by and runs over my foot with his rolling luggage. I toss him a dirty look. It makes me so angry. As hundreds of bodies fight against each other to the escalator I slowly growl under my breath. Growling softly is all I can do at the end of the day. Then I see that wire hanging from the top of the station platform. As I make my way down the escalator I wonder if I could leap up and slip my head through the loop hanging above me. I wonder how painful it would be, if I would die instantly or if it would be slow. I wondered if anyone would even notice the young girl in the leather jacket with the blue backpack hanging above them as they race for their rush hour train.
I wonder if my life would even mean something if I left it right now. I have no man who cares for me. My family would miss me. My friends would miss me. I feel like I am nothing, I have nothing. I’m just another flesh vehicle trying to survive a place with no clearly defined purpose.
If you or someone close to you is contemplating suicide, please know that help is available to you. Call 1-800-SUICIDE or visit http://www.hopeline.com.
Disclaimer: I would never want to harm myself. This is merely a piece written during an unhappy period that should be read as a character from a book rather than a true reflection of the blogger behind it.