I did something cruel, painstakingly awful and heartless today

No confirmation text the day of. I give him credit for his blind faith in a girl he met for seven minutes.

This morning I woke up at 6:45 a.m. then pushed my body back to sleep even after I reminded myself I needed to go to yoga. Instead of taking care of my physical health and mental sanity I laid there in my fleece pajamas, empty, heavy, unhappy, thinking negative thoughts.

I needed to shower, brush my teeth, kiss my sweet golden retriever puppy good morning. I slipped down the staircase, dragged my soulless body onto the couch and watched murder mystery docs – the second story so interesting it forced me to miss the 10:30 a.m. yoga class I desperately needed.

At 10 a.m. I thought of reaching out to him and letting him know I would not be able to make it, yet again. But I had already blown him off one other time when my car died and I had to spend the entire day at a car dealership.

Zombie-like I laid there, watched shows about terrible people and felt like a terrible person unable to pull myself from this heavy funk.

When the show ended I went upstairs to take a nap. I slept for a couple of hours, when I woke it was 3 p.m. I checked my phone saw a text from 1:58 p.m. “OK I’m here.”

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Boys have done this to me before and from experience I can tell you it is gut-punching painful:

Twice I sat in my room for hours staring at my phone waiting for texts to further solidify the plans we had made and neither ever replied or showed.

One time I had a plan with someone and texted to confirm that day and he never replied to me again, ever. Disappeared.

Another time I went out with someone, he asked for a second date and a kiss. I said yes to the second date, no to the kiss and he disappeared.

The 100th time one guy texted me telling me he had to work overtime the night we had a scheduled date and then I never heard from him again.

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Of course I felt (and still feel) completely terrible about what I did to this innocent person today. Especially as I have been on the receiving end of this and it’s very cruel.

To put it simply, I simply cannot date anymore. It’s become painful for me. Look pretty, smile, giggle, listen, energy and effort. All for dudes who never stick, they don’t care for me. I either cut them off or they cut me off or it’s mutual and I can’t do it any longer. It’s killing my hope, faith, and happiness.

I met the one from today at a speed dating event over one month ago. He, being the 5th and final match from the event (judging by how the other dates went I did not want to waste my time again). I blew him off several times for valid reasons:

  1. my car died
  2. wedding
  3. packed schedule
  4. i cant date anymore
  5. how many times can i tell this guy no?

He even told me, “You seem like a busy person with a lot of obligations but I would still like to go out with you. How about Friday or Saturday?”

I could have told him, “I’m too drained/heartbroken/tired to put up this facade for another guy who is going to disappear on me anyway and I don’t think it’s fair to you to schedule a date with me when I’m not 100% in.” But I can’t say no to men.

That’s been my thing lately. I can’t say no to them. It’s like I don’t care much about my single status anymore. I tried for years and nothing sticks – rejection and disappointments. So I focus on myself and fall into physical things with men in moments when I crave the intimacy. Then it becomes empty and I don’t even want to do it yet I still cannot bring myself to say no.

I’m numb to feelings. I’m numb to trying. I just want to be friends with a guy. No dates. Definitely no sex. Just friends, talking and getting to know one another. This whole speed dating, online dating, even forcing a physical intimate relationship with a guy who doesn’t value me as a person. I don’t have the energy or the care for it so I go along and don’t say no when deep down I’d much rather go out with other friends.

I did a terrible thing today. I blew off a guy who I had a scheduled date with, made him sit in a restaurant alone. Treated him like he isn’t a person and doesn’t have feelings. Didn’t even give him a heads up like, “I’m sorry. This isn’t fair to you. I hope you find a wonderful girl someday and I don’t want to waste your time.” I just stayed silent. Didn’t show, didn’t reply to his text. I disappeared on the guy. Just like all the other guys have done to me.

I’m sorry, guy. Truly. If I hurt you, I didn’t mean it. I simply cannot date anymore and I’m sorry I couldn’t verbalize that to you.

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I Dine Alone

Friday nights spent half-watching reruns of The Office while half-texting until my fingers hurt. Instead tonight I drove my old white Mitsubishi to the Thai restaurant in town. Had to ease my craving for drunken noodle, calm my sour mood.

Immediately, I ordered a Thai Iced Tea. I never even knew what that was until my ex-boyfriend introduced me back in 2013. I traveled to Stony Brook to buy the special tea leaves from an Asian market once, purchased condensed milk then made it for him at home, used way too much condensed milk. He told me so. But I didn’t listen.

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Wanting a Boy to Like You

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We finally got to The Cape Cod House at 1:30 in the morning. Exhausted, excited and delirious we walked through the large front yard to the door.

He greeted us with a beer in hand.

“Hey guys! How was the trip up!? Welcome to the house. Everyone is in the kitchen. Go get a drink!”

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Putting Yourself First

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People tell me I have a knack for writing about dating and relationships. I am always doling out my share of love advice. I am fascinated by the way people interact with one another. Because of that, most of my blog posts are based around dating and relationships. I’ve enjoyed sharing my stories and experiences but after turning another year older on Saturday I have finally learned some important things.

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I Want Pain: A Dark Piece

Screenshot_2016-03-31-17-44-43-2.pngI can’t shake the feeling of wanting to wrap something around my own neck. To feel pain around my throat; to feel my air supply slowly being cut off. Feeling pain is all I crave right now and I can’t explain why. I want the pain to be so unbearable that it forces hot tears out of my eyes, I want to feel them as they run down my cheeks, smearing my mascara. My nose runs. I’m sniveling all over myself. I’m panicked. I’m alone.

I don’t really want to die but that cord hanging from the ceiling was taunting me. So many bodies. So many people are crowded around me I just want to push them all out of my way. A man walks by and runs over my foot with his rolling luggage. I toss him a dirty look. It makes me so angry. As hundreds of bodies fight against each other to the escalator I slowly growl under my breath. Growling softly is all I can do at the end of the day. Then I see that wire hanging from the top of the station platform. As I make my way down the escalator I wonder if I could leap up and slip my head through the loop hanging above me. I wonder how painful it would be, if I would die instantly or if it would be slow. I wondered if anyone would even notice the young girl in the leather jacket with the blue backpack hanging above them as they race for their rush hour train.

I wonder if my life would even mean something if I left it right now. I have no man who cares for me. My family would miss me. My friends would miss me. I feel like  I am nothing, I have nothing.  I’m just another flesh vehicle trying to survive a place with no clearly defined purpose.

If you or someone close to you is contemplating suicide, please know that help is available to you. Call 1-800-SUICIDE or visit http://www.hopeline.com.

Disclaimer: I would never want to harm myself. This is merely a piece written during an unhappy period that should be read as a character from a book rather than a true reflection of the blogger behind it.

The Tinder Chronicles – Why Do I Bother?

tinderella1-e1445200982961The people you swipe on Tinder are as random as people you see when you walk through the streets of New York. There are so many profiles to choose from that you really don’t matter to these people. You’re purely disposable. Truly, no one cares. Not only that, if you are an online dater you may already know that online chemistry in no way relates to real life chemistry. It may seem like you have much to talk about via text but in real life it usually doesn’t translate. As you may know there are different levels of attraction aside from just the physical  – voice, mannerisms, dress, smell, touch, little things like that. Here are two real life profiles of men who I have met thanks to Tinder:

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