Moving Backwards: The Struggle is Real

On Cinco De Mayo I posted a photo of myself on Instagram. The picture showed me at twenty-one proudly standing in front of the camera in my dorm room. My bra hung out of my too small top, red hair shone, body fifteen pounds thinner.

A red heart appeared on my photo. I decided I wanted an answer from the person who liked my photo. I clicked the message icon and typed “What happened to you?”

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It wasn’t really fear babe … it was knowing.

A while back I wrote a post titled “Fear.” It was about how I felt like my boyfriend wouldn’t love me like I felt I needed to be loved. He said all sorts of silly things that just didn’t add up in my mind as a man who was dedicated to me or our relationship. I had all these fears of him not wanting to be my teammate, work with me, be on my side. I could see the way our relationship would go right in the beginning, however by the end of my blog post I came to this conclusion:

“Some people are all alone. They don’t have anyone. They don’t share what we have. We’re two lucky people. People would do anything to have what we do.”

More than a year later, and with the ending of that relationship, I have now come to this conclusion:

Being alone is so much better than being with someone who is not a good match for you. Everyone needs someone who is going to lift them up, not push them down. When you have challenges you want to be able to work on them together and get past it, not stay stagnant. A good partner can make you laugh when you’re feeling down. They look out for you when you’re crossing the street. They care more for your feelings than they do about their own. They compromise, split the work and communicate. Maybe they don’t do all of these things forever but for the most part they get the best two out of three and everything runs smoothly with just a few bumps along the way. It’s not anything that’s gut wrenching.

I once described us as “two lucky people.” Luck isn’t exactly a word I’d use now. We were both available at the same time and it just so happened that we were attracted to each other and loved to kiss. It was fun. It was shallow. I never let him peer into my soul. I never let him read my writings. The failures of our relationship had made me so sad that beauty escaped my writing. It was all so dark and sparked by us and our issues. I could never bring myself to reveal that to him.

No one would want what we actually had because it was only infatuation. A mild obsession that lasted for only three months before I realized we weren’t a good match. I felt myself sink deeper when we were together. He would grow emotional, my heart would feel like a hunk of led trapped in my chest, and I’d stay around and support him. He gave me a sense of security. I knew he loved me the idea of who he thought I was too much to walk away.

This was a lesson that needed to be learned. I am so grateful for this experience and reflection.