New Year

With every year there are many changes. It’s inevitable. People like to use this time of year to make resolutions and better themselves. I used to do this until one day I realized, change doesn’t start with a new year, it starts with a moment and you. Now.

I always like to say my life truly started when I moved out and went away to college. From there, I built my life from scratch. I was unhappy and hid inside of my own world for a while because I didn’t trust people. I hated them for no reason other than meeting new people made me uncomfortable. It was a skill I had never really had. As a kid I’d befriend some people then they’d hurt my feelings and I would cut them off completely. As I grew into a teenager I continued to do the same, shutting everyone out completely.

I had put on a lot of weight. I was never thin, but I was at the heaviest weight I had ever been. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I compared myself to a piece of garbage, constantly telling myself I wasn’t as smart or as pretty as other people. I thought it was all about looks. After a year of adjusting, I went home for summer. Then I decided I was going to change myself and turn my life around.

I lost 25 pounds from May-August, dyed my hair, bought new clothes and adopted a whole new attitude. Basing everything on the way that I looked instead of anything else. I was attractive after slimming down a little bit, something I was not used to. For that entire first semester of school I was obsessive on losing weight, I wouldn’t rest easy until I lost another 20 pounds. In the midst of exams, friends, boys, and everything else I did it! I lost a lot of weight and I still based everything around the way that I looked.

When I graduated college, my entire world as I knew it came crashing down on top of me. I lost a lot that day. Best friends, boys, home, purpose. Worst of all I lost my identity. The world was mine now and that gave me too much power. I didn’t like it. Not one bit.

At the drop of a hat my entire life changed. It was lonely. I still felt like I wasn’t good enough, like I would never find a job, never find friends again. That first year at home was even harder than my first year at college was. I had a crummy job and dated the wrong person. I never thought my life would get better, but eventually it did.

Sometimes I feel myself angry that I had to move on from happy times in college. Angry that my friends have moved on with their lives. Angry that any of us ever had to move on. Especially me. But mostly, I’m just afraid at how quickly life goes and how fast things can change. Always moving forward and never waiting for you to catch up.

One thing I have to tell myself is that happiness doesn’t end when one aspect of your life changes. Life is always going to change. And that’s okay. We just have to roll with it.

Happy New Year!